Blindspot!
From Issue: 1056 [Read full issue]
Shame-motivated Anger
The emotion that underlies our obsession with blaming and finding fault is anger. In our shame-and-blame culture, visible anger is everywhere. Political talk shows have become screaming matches. A short drive to the grocery store becomes an obstacle course of raging, finger-flipping drivers. Angry public outbursts directed at strangers and customer service people are becoming more commonplace.
Anger can be motivated by many different experiences and feelings — shame, humiliation, stress, anxiety fear and grief are several of the most common triggers. The relationship between shame and anger is about using blame and anger to protect us from the pain caused by shame.
Anger is not a "bad" emotion. In fact, feeling anger and appropriately expressing anger are vital to relationship building. Lashing out at others when we are in shame is not about "feeling anger." When we are doing this, we feel shame and mask it with anger. Furthermore, shame-motivated anger and blame are rarely pressed in a constructive way. Shame floods us with emotion and pain and the shame/blame/anger instinct is to pour it all over someone else. If one of our primary shame screens is anger and blame, it is essential that we understand and acknowledge this coping strategy. Next, we need to find out how, when we recognize that we are in shame, to calm down and stay mindful.
Compiled From:
"I Thought It Was Just Me" - Brene Brown, pp. 213, 214